How well do you listen?
By Bernard Chanliau, Thursday 09 February, 2006
According to research, roughly 70% of workplace mistakes are directly attributable to poor communication… not just the inadequacies of what is said, but also more importantly the inadequacies of what is not said and the often-dangerous assumptions that fill the vacuum. Moreover, when we do communicate, there is so much going on that we are not consciously aware of most of it. By understanding this huge 93% of the non-verbal aspect of the communications process, you can dramatically improve your own abilities in this area.
Did you know that only a minute part of communication is made up of words?
Words 7%
Way – intonation 38%
Body language 55%
When we communicate, we are using our whole bodies, all our senses, the space around us and the energy we emanate, yet most of the time we are hardly conscious of this.
Way and Body Language are about creating a rapport – by that we mean a positive connection to the receiver, where you feel that you are ‘on the same wavelength’ even if you do not agree with each other. Rapport happens at a subconscious level, whereas words work mostly at the conscious level.
However, how well do you really listen?
Being a good listener is a much-underrated skill. It is a key factor in creating rapport and without rapport; it is hard to have a relationship at all. We are all very keen to talk about ourselves and less keen to listen. How many times do you interrupt someone before they have finished speaking?
As children, we are not taught to listen. At school, writing is most taught and used 9% of time, reading 16%, listening taught least and used 45% of time, speaking taught next least and spent 30% of time. Yet these are critical skills whoever you are and whatever you do in life.
Conversation involves as much listening as it does speaking. Yet all our attention goes into speaking and little goes into listening. Listening = respect. If we do not listen properly it can trigger anger, upset and other negative responses, because it shows you do not have respect.
When we listen, we use:
- Words
- Tone of Voice
- Body Language
By paying attention to all three, we listen properly, with our whole bodies.
Interferences and barriers to listening
The potential of your ‘listening performance’ is reduced by interference. Get rid of the interference and your potential is 100%. Typical interferences are:
1) Selective listening (filters). Filters inhibit the way we listen and receive: the brain immediately tries to identify what it hears with an experience of its own, thus filtering out what it cannot relate to. Filters can be prejudices, own experiences and beliefs about the subject in question. A person’s filters may also be:
· Expressive or analytical: detail or big picture,
· Controlled or emotive: structured or free-thinking
· Amiable or driven: involved team ‘glue’ or detached driver
· Ask or tell: options rather than procedures
· Sameness or difference
· Timing filters– reference to past e.g. the way we’ve always done it, preference for present, focus on future
· Understanding peoples’ individual filters can help you make a better connection.
2) Physical barriers – not paying attention e.g. doing your email whilst talking, physical discomfort, time pressures, phones ringing, hunger etc .
3) Internal dialogue – the above process causes an internal dialogue and the brain is focusing on how it is going to respond before the speaker has even finished. You even assume what the other person is going to say and finish their sentences for them.
Practicing effective listening
Listening is about connecting – transmitting and receiving messages. Seek first to understand then be understood. We have two ears and one mouth so should use ears twice as much as mouth. Hearing and listening is not the same – hearing is a physical attribute is done with ears, whereas listening is a mental one, which uses the brain and converts sound into thought. The latter requires 100% focus and therefore accounts for why people do not listen properly because they get distracted. Hearing is an inherent ability, listening is an acquired skill.
Listening also verifies that we have communicated properly and that the message has been received and not filtered. So how do we listen effectively?
Firstly, get into a state where you are prepared to listen:
· Concentrate – purely listen
· Make eye contact
· Sit or stand straight ready to listen (slouching makes us slouch mentally too)
· Ignore distractions or keep interruptions to a minimum if they do occur
· Use encouraging non-verbal noises and facial expressions eg “uh huh”, “hmm”, nods and smiles
· Focus on themes and overall meaning not individual words
· Expect to be interested (if not you’ll become bored)
· Be aware of your brainpower and filters. Our brains can act up to 10x faster than we can speak that is why we often go off in a reverie whilst someone is speaking. Use the spare capacity to think about the message – what contributes to it rather than what detracts from it
· Do not indicate any kind of approval or disapproval – until the speaker has finished - as this will influence what the speaker says to you and will inhibit you getting the full picture
· Take notes if appropriate
· Use pauses as thinking time
· Open questions not closed questions, e.g. How, What would happen if …. could be used to prompt for more info. Try not to nod or indicate approval
Exercise in Listening
A 5-step process ensures effective listening:
· Receive the message – listen right until the end without approval or disapproval. Absorb the whole message and understand what you see and feel by looking at facial expressions, body movements and you own feelings
· Take a few minutes to process understand the message
· Paraphrase it in your own words and check it back to the transmitter – ask a question back to verify your interpretation
· Absorb the message that comes back – understand what you see by looking at facial expressions, body movements etc
· Repeat again if necessary
So the effective listener receives, processes and transmits – in separate chunks of time
Vital Attributes for Listening
Six key attributes for creating a freethinking environment where listening can thrive:
· Attention – listening with respect and interest
· Incisive questions – removing assumptions which limit our ideas
· Quality – giving equal terms and attention and keeping agreements and boundaries
· Appreciation – practicing a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciation to criticism and not the other way around
· Ease – offering freedom from rush or urgency
· Encouragement – moving beyond competition
In summary, we think we listen but we do not. We finish each other sentences, we tap our feet, and we look away …. Listening is about profound attention. Efficient listening is a whole body thing.
The Chinese beautifully sum up the whole body approach to listening – in the Chinese language there are actually five characters for the term to listen. These are made up of:
· Ear
· You
· Eyes
· Undivided attention
· Heart
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