How to successfully follow through on your resolutions for 2007
By Bernard Chanliau, Friday 05 January, 2007
WHY PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE AND WHY THEY DO
I’m sure you’ve been there too … New Years Day, full of positive intent, full of hope and plans for the year ahead. Come February it’s waning with the awful weather and by April the drudgery and demands of the daily grind has got to you and all those new regimes have been dumped in the lay-by of life. Whether it’s losing weight, getting a new job, leaving an unhappy relationship or just taking better care of yourself, why is it that making those changes is so challenging?
Well whoever said change was easy, apart from all those books on the bookseller shelves which promise a new you in 7 or 90 days? Let’s not kid ourselves, the reality of being human is challenging. We are human BEINGs, constantly in a state of change and learning, yet as a species, we find change far more difficult than any other species on this planet. Birds manage to fly south every winter, caterpillars change from being ground lovers to sky lovers and even ants learn to move mountains. What is it that we humans find so hard?
Firstly, our minds get in the way and secondly, we sometimes try too hard to hang onto what we’ve got, without understanding that letting go and releasing that paralysing fear of change creates space and energy for new realities.
The way you think has a huge impact …and we’re not just talking ‘positive thinking’ here. Recognising your patterns can help you determine your response and therefore your strategy for change.
Your lens on the world
Different people have different ‘lens’ on how they see challenges in their mind. Some people are more ‘future’ focused and others are more ‘past’ focused. Do you judge current situations based on tangible facts and what happened in the past or do you consider all the possibilities that could be in the future without allowing the past to contaminate? If you do the former your ‘lens’ is ‘past focused’ and you are more likely to be fearful of the future because it feels intangible and unreal, whilst if you do the latter, you are more future focused and you are more likely to embrace change with ease, see the glass half full, and make change more readily because you see the bigger picture.
Both lenses have their uses – if you are ‘past’ lens you will likely proceed with caution and make slow and steady decisions. However, your fear of change may paralyse you completely until you are kicked up the proverbial backside and booted into the future by an external event or third party. If you are future’ lensed’, you may proceed too quickly without sufficient caution, and whilst experiences are useful tests to find the ultimate solution, you may tire from your many experiences and projects started and unfinished.
Other lens include:
- Short term or long term focus: short term goals are easier to achieve, whilst long term goals may halt on that layby when you run out of energy. It’s important to have short term milestones in any long term goal.
- Logical vs emotional views: do you make decisions because the facts add up or because it feels right? In practice a balance of both is most useful, but often one favours the other leading to gut reactions and emotional responses or on the other side, insensitivity.
The snake that bites your bottom
So having thought about your thinking, what else could get in the way of change? The snake that lies beneath those positive intentions is the cobra of ‘secondary benefits’, the beast that always seems bite you on the bottom each time you waiver with uncertainty in the testing of new habits. Secondary benefits is the therapeutic term for the useful parts of negative habits. In other words, let’s say you want to give up smoking and you can’t. Why not? What on earth is useful about smoking? Well, perhaps it helps you manage stress, or it helps you get your thoughts in order in the morning, or it’s the perfect partner to a cup of coffee and your nervous crutch every time you’re worried about something. In short, it’s your partner in life - the crutch that gets you though. So the secondary benefit that the ‘confidence crutch’ provides can be stronger than the primary benefit of giving up smoking – a healthier life. Until you can firmly perceive that it is does not provide confidence, or that you need to work on your self esteem and find other ways to clear your mind, manage your stress, enjoy coffee etc … then you will fail to sustain being a non-smoker.
Another common one is the workaholic who works long and unreasonable hours at the office, brings work home, works on holiday, cancels holidays and always puts the job first. He or she maybe a top flier for a while and head for the top of the pecking order at work. Long term though, performance waivers as an unbalanced life contaminates potential. The secondary benefit here is often that work fuels a sense of image and self esteem. As long as this person struggles with their self esteem and attaches their image to their job, they will struggle to find balance in their life and every effort to manage stress through visits to the gym, healthy diets, visits to faith healers, you name it … will not facilitate success, because the core issue has not been addressed.
Where are you on the yellow brick road?
So what does it take to hit the road running and knock down that cobra? Acknowledging your underlying snake is very important. Sometimes you may have to hit a real rock bottom before you do. Those who are future focused may see it up ahead but have to deal with the emotional turmoil of making the wise decision, whilst those who are past focused, may discover their snake through more painful means eg. the spouse leaves, they get fired etc etc because they are generally not as alert to what’s going to happen next if it hasn’t happened yet.
Change is a journey of milestones and recognising where you are on that road is helpful.
New ideas and habits take time to settle in. The subconscious mind tends to reject what does not fit in with its previous experience or belief at first. So the sweet eater’s subconscious is likely to reject the idea that salads are as tasty and satisfying as chocolate when this is first suggested. After reading many magazines and being told that salad is really delicious, you may become aware and may eventually accept that this idea is possible. You may, in desperation to lose weight, start to experiment with eating salad, but be disappointed with the results …. Time and time again and the weight continues to pile on. Salad just doesn’t comfort like chocolate does it? Or does it? Perhaps some adjustments are necessary. Finding the right recipe may take time. Not only that but the secondary benefits of comfort that yummy chocolate provides after a hard day at the office may also need to be acknowledged. You may need to unravel the origins of this need for comfort in order to reach motivation and a strategy for success, the stage where heart and mind are in tune and aligned with a realistic strategy. This will involve more analysis and a little more thought, emotional discover, concentration and will power to realise that chocolate doesn’t provide the comfort that your father / mother/ husband /lover/self didn’t! Ah yes, it is complicated … that’s why it’s a journey of self discovery. That’s why change takes time! That’s why people need life coaches, nutrition specialists and often a team of people to help mirror and model the factors that are at work. Seeing those factors yourself is not always straightforward because the subconscious has many tricks and safety mechanisms to avoid change and challenge.
How to set a realistic goal (SMARTO Goals)
Goals need to be solid if they are to be achieved, so the first stage is to check that your goal is:
Specific – overarching states eg. “I want to be happy” are clearly defined into events and tangibles eg. “Losing weight will make me feel good about myself. Goals should be stated in positive language ie. What you want rather than what you don’t want.
Measurable – so you know when you’ve got there! For example, I want to lose ten pounds by 1 June.
Achievable – is this possible? What might need to happen for me to achieve this? What fears/negative beliefs to I need to release? What problems might I come across? Who’s cooperation do I need to be successful? Who do I need to avoid who will throw cold water over my new habits/thoughts?!
Realistic – in the realm of human existence have other people achieved this in the timeframe?
Timeframed – by when do you want to achieve this?
Owned – how much do I want this on a scale of 1-10 (anything under 6 is unlikely to be successful)? What is the consequence of not achieving this goal and how much will it hurt me? What is the reward of achieving it? Is this goal entirely reliant on me or are other people involved?
Lastly, remember change starts with YOU. You cannot change other people, you can only change you, the way you think, feel and react and act. Learning to love and respect yourself first is more powerful than expecting others to give you respect and love. And letting go of, and choosing not to engage in, old resentments and instead, focusing on your thoughts and reactions is far more liberating.